Remaining Secure

Recently a lot has been on my mind. Balancing work, bills and spending time with my Loves.
I'm going to be honest I'm struggling, I'm struggling to maintain confidence in who I am and what I can do. I keep saying that I want to do bigger better brighter things and yet I short-circuit and myself; I doubt myself. I think thoughts that haven't even been presented to me. I imagine what other people think of me before I even meet them. I believe that I'm not worthy for something before I even apply.
But why? Why do I give myself so much grief. I should be my biggest supporter. I should be the one cheering myself that I'm reaching for dreams. I'm so afraid of failing that sometimes I don't even try. How do I know what I'm capable of unless I do try. Unless I figure out what I can do.
The last two weeks I've had to deal with car accident in filing claims, fixing my vehicle, renting a car, finding out that my car is totaled. Having to figure out how to sort things through with the insurance company, trying to buy a new car. I have no idea what I'm doing.
It has been so stressful.
 This morning I cried from sheer panic and terror. How silly is that. That dealing with and speaking to other people and having to make decisions scares me.
I know I can do it. I don't have a choice. So I struggle to put on those adulting britches. And I call them.
I figure out what needs to be done and I do it. It scares The living daylights out of me. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice,  doing something that I'm going to regret.
When you have lived a life where your opinions beaten down or pushed the side, learning to gain confidence is hard. Little voices in your head start telling you that you can't do it. It's awful. So I have to tell myself over and over and over that I can. That I will. That I did.
Yesterday it was applying for Brighter and Better things. Today it was buying a car. Tomorrow it will be putting on my shoes and going to work.
I can do it. That little devil in my head won't stop me from reaching for Light, Love and Joy.

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