Wandering The Rabbit Hole

My brain goes 100 miles a minute. Seriously. So many thoughts at all times of the day. I can not sleep, I can not have a normal day since my thoughts are plagued by questions and self doubt. All the "what if's" in my life. I have some serious decisions in my life right now, and I sometimes feel like I short stop myself. Am I ignoring all the cosmic signs in my life? I feel like I am digging my heels in the sand  when receiving that push in the back....Am I stopping myself from making the best choices in my life because I am afraid to make the wrong choices or because I am scared of the unknown? When there are multiple reasons for your life to change and steps for improvement sometimes you doubt your sanity. If everything falling apart or are these new opportunities arising? I am so scared of making the wrong decisions and setting myself up for failure. But I also have that undeniable hope that lingers. Hope that yes, I am indeed going for bigger greater dr...

I am not a people person.... That's okay.  I do not have to like people. I'm learning that it's okay to have boundaries, to respect my space and learning what I'm capable of handling and what I'm not. It's not that I hate being around people. I like being around people very much. It's the fact that I don't like what people are capable of or how they may perceive me and my oddities that makes me uncomfortable. I don't like large groups of people. I don't like being squeezed like can of sardines. I don't like people touching me. I don't like physical contact. And that's okay. I am learning about me. I like it when I can choose who I want to interact with, when I want to interact with and how much I want.....I'm not a Hermit by any means. I'm more like the wild Wallflower sitting in the back of the room watching group of people. Sitting in the back of the room is the best place to learn about people around. It's where yo...

Finding the little joys in life can be hard. The large joys are impressive and can be easy to find. They are the ones that blow your mind. Make you so happy and are like Christmas morning. The best date, a wonderful gift,  weekend get away, a job promotion. These are the large joys. The little joys are those you experience on a day to day basis.  A smile from a stranger to brighten your sad day. A small note from your loved one just saying they are thinking of you. Sunshine rays peaking through a small break in the cloudy sky.  The feeling of the breeze on your face as you stand outside soaking in the sun. Letting your hand ride the waves of the wind as you drive with the windows down. A beautiful mussel shell found on a rainy day on the beach. It is these small bits of beauty in our life that make the little joys. They are the things that make the mundane doable. They are what keep us smiling and willing to continue in the pursuit of our dreams. T...

Ever feel that life just loves to screw you over? Or that it just has your number? Everything just goes wrong and you don't know what you did to deserve it? You treat people the way you want to be treated. You are kind, thoughtful, and patient. Thinking Karma has got your back. So what did you do to get tossed to the wind? Honestly, I don't know. Is it a test of character? How long will she hold before she cracks. Will she stand this gale we throw at her? Are you being tested for an even greater trial to come, or perhaps a test to see how well you work and operate under pressure? The outcome depends on the reward to come? I really don't know. This week, month and year have been that way. All I know is I have to continue being kind. Speaking words of kindness and compassion to those who thwart me. Face everything with a smile.Because if I let them wear me down I can not continue. I can not continue finding the little joys. I love Joy. So I will smile with eve...

Have you ever experienced those fears so deeply rooted in your soul? I face them everyday. I get up. Look in the mirror and wonder if I am enough. Will that wonder and fear ever go away? Am I enough for everything? Am I enough for my job? Will I walk through the door one day only to find that 'Pink-Slip'. To discover they found someone who does my job even better than me. Every time a promotion comes up or an opportunity to excel, I wonder, will I make it. Even if I do make it, there is the shock and immediate self-doubt. Will I be able to continue as well as I have? Am I enough? Am I enough for my friends? Will my fears and limitations stop me from being the best friend I can be? Will they embrace and accept the little I can offer? Give me space and I can be the best and loyal friend you could hope for, but is that enough? Am I enough for my children? I am broken, tired and worn thin. I wonder if I can give them the life they deserve. If a mother's love is enough to...

My name is Britta. I am a 27 year old homeschooled, divorcee and mother to three beautiful children. I am a historical costumer and an active participant in living history events in Southern California. I throughly enjoy drinking and learning everything there is to know about wine. Seriously. The wine industry is amazing. So it is only fitting I work at a small winery on the central coast. Art is a big part of my life. Whether that means I am designing a new costume or set of historical garments, sketching, writing poetry or painting. Also, Coffee is life Force. Without Coffee, life seems impossible. I have no filter without coffee.... So I say things straight from I don't even know where. So I can promise the snark is real, the feels are real and you may just say, "Britta said what!?" *Photography Credit Matty Johnson Photography https://www.facebook.com/mattyjohnsonphotography/