I Am Not A People Person

I am not a people person....
That's okay.  I do not have to like people.
I'm learning that it's okay to have boundaries, to respect my space and learning what I'm capable of handling and what I'm not.
It's not that I hate being around people. I like being around people very much. It's the fact that I don't like what people are capable of or how they may perceive me and my oddities that makes me uncomfortable. I don't like large groups of people. I don't like being squeezed like can of sardines. I don't like people touching me. I don't like physical contact.
And that's okay.
I am learning about me. I like it when I can choose who I want to interact with, when I want to interact with and how much I want.....I'm not a Hermit by any means. I'm more like the wild Wallflower sitting in the back of the room watching group of people. Sitting in the back of the room is the best place to learn about people around. It's where you can see what people are really capable of, whether they are kind or not. How they treat others. How they treat you.

I am what is called an ambivert.
I'm an introvert who enjoys the quality company people in small quantities. I get overwhelmed very easily by groups of people, by people I don't know or just by the sheer pressure being in crowds. My body will go into overdrive. I'll flush, get flustered, start to stamper or to stutter.
Panic with start setting in and I can't help it.
My heart rate will rise, color will flush my face, then I'll just feel like bursting into tears. It's more of a overstimulation problem. Too many people, noises, sights, lights and smells and my body goes into overdrive.
I can't think and when I can't think I shut down.

That's okay. I'm learning that about myself.

So why do I bother going to a place that I know it's going to be incredibly busy? Is it because I enjoy putting myself in this position? No, I don't like the feeling at all; but it doesn't mean that I'm going to have to put my joys, passions and interests on pause because I can't enjoy myself. It's me learning how much I can handle at what time, so I can still enjoy the things that make me happy while still caring for myself.

I don't like people, I don't like being around people in large groups, and that's okay.

I don't have to be outgoing. I don't have to be happy all the time. I don't have to care what other people are thinking about me. I just have to worry about myself. Period. Making sure I am good mentally and physically. So yes, I'll keep going to the county fair and going through crowds of people at the pier. But will I thoroughly enjoy those quiet nooks where there are no people, where I can take a breather and calm myself? Peace and calm wrapped in my Darling's arms as he sheilds me so we can still enjoy the moment? Absolutely!  I want to continue enjoying life and learning about myself and what I am capable of handling, not letting my fear control me.

And it's an experience each day. Each situation is different; each day is different. Some days I may be able to go handle crowds and crowds of people and other days I may just want to stay home. And that is okay. I need to learn how to be okay with who I am as a person and not what other people's expectations of me are.

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